CANADIAN CAFE

At Canadian Café, Rebecca Rosenblat guides how to handle relationships and not just maintain their term but also retain their essence. Rebecca Rosenblat, Psychotherapist, Relationship & Sexuality Therapist, and a TV Host in Canada writes for The Sip of Life every month. Her writings can be viewed at http://thesipoflife.com/canadian-cafe/ and she can be contacted at rebecca@thesipoflife.com

ODE TO FATHERS

Last month was Mothers’ Day, so I honored mothers, especially my own. This month is Fathers’ Day, so I want to do the same for fathers, especially my own.

Although my dad passed away a few years ago and left a huge hole in my heart, I still see him everywhere I look, because of how he shaped my life and those of my kids, by teaching us to live with integrity. And he did so by living an exemplary life, versus lecturing us like parents who can talk the talk but don’t walk the walk.

Growing up, he was always there for me – from teaching me how to ride a bike, to holding me when I was scared during a thunderstorm, to staying up all night watching over me when I had a fever, I remember his comforting face ensuring me that everything was going to be okay.

Later on, as me and my brother grew up to be teenagers, he made one of the toughest decisions of his life – he left his cushy lifestyle in his 50s, to live a humble life in Canada, just so he could create more opportunities for his kids. And not once did he complain, as he worked hard to give us whatever we needed.

Once I got married and had kids of my own, he invested himself in teaching them the same principles that he’d taught me – thinking of others ahead of ourselves being a case in point. I remember the first time I witnessed it in my younger son, Josh, who was two at the time. When dad would come over to visit us, Josh would cuddle up to him on the couch and watch videos with him. But what was notable was that they watched the same video every single time, for more than a year. When I asked them why they only watched that video, they pointed to each other simultaneously and said, “Because he likes it.” In fact, both were bored of it, but they kept putting it on for one another, convinced that the other party must’ve wanted it, since each had stayed faithful to it. Today, my sons’ lives are guided by those same unselfish principles.

I could go on and on, but I think you get the picture – I adored my dad and always will, as I witness his legacy in people’s whose lives he touched and transformed!

Dads are amazing! They love you, support you, work hard for you, and then somehow manage to make time to help you. Sadly, it’s a thankless job in many cases, since most dads don’t get the same display of appreciation like moms, get into trouble for not making it to their child’s functions, and rarely have their sacrifices appreciated, when they protect their families from hardships. Hurt as they feel by it, they keep it all inside, never complain, and continue to take care of us tirelessly. How do I know this? As a therapist, I come across all the heartache and disappointment that many dads face, when they just can’t keep up and nobody understands that they’ve done their best, to the point of exhaustion. They share with me that they shed a tear in the dark and then smile as they join others, when they wish they could just take a day to relax but can’t, because everyone is depending upon them. However, outside of their therapist – if they’re fortunate enough to have one – no one hears their silent cries. But like our Father in heaven, they continue to love us and take care of us unconditionally, even when we make the wrong choices which hurt them – or forget to show our gratitude. So to all you children and wives out there, take the time to celebrate those unsung heroes, on Fathers’ Day and beyond!

ODE TO MOTHERS

With Mother’s Day upon us, I’ve been thinking about what my mother has meant to me over the years, and what I’ve meant to my kids. My mom went from being a source of warmth, to a force to be contended with – all the while directing me to what she felt was right. I’ve always loved her, at times feared her … and now, as a mother I’ve become her in many ways – from worrying about my kids, to putting them first, to taking care of them the best way I know how. And they look up to me like I’m some big hero, who they can always count on to save the day. Can’t say I agree with the hero part, but I do try to be there for them any way I can.

When my oldest son was born – after an extremely painful and long delivery – and they placed him on my chest, the first words out of my mouth to greet him were, “I finally get what Jesus meant when He spoke of His love for us, as His body was broken for us.” It was an instant bond. And it was just as strong in the other direction. A case in point: At four weeks of age, when I took him back to my place of work to show him off, he lay there in his stroller and cranked his head as far back as it would go, so he could maintain eye contact with me at all times. A female doctor, who’d turned her husband down when he approached her to have kids, was truly taken by this and said, “My gosh, he’s totally mesmerized by you. He’s looking at you like you’re the only thing in the whole world. … Are you sure he’s a boy? I mean, what man would ever do that for a woman? … If someone can guarantee me a kid like yours, I’m in.” Since then, many others have asked for the same guarantee, since both my sons turned out so amazing. I know you’re probably thinking spoken like a true mom, but I kid you not that everyone truly wonders about them. When I say “I’m blessed and really fortunate”, my kids always say, “It’s the other way around.” While I refuse to take credit for all the hard work they’ve put in to become the amazing young men they are today, I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that being appreciated by them means the world to me! And I’m certain that every mother will agree with that sentiment – all those sacrifices pale in comparison to the joy one feels when their child appreciates them. They could never pay us back for all that we do, but their appreciation more than makes up for it. So to all of you out there, I urge you to take a moment to appreciate your own mother. Even if you have complaints, just remember she probably did her very best, as she hid difficult circumstances from you to protect you.

Don’t wait to visit her

Or to buy her that coat she needs;

Don’t wait to tell her how much you love her

Or how grateful you are for all her loving deeds.

While a child is God’s biggest gift to a mom, a loving mom is one of God’s biggest gifts to His children. Happy Mothers Day!

(Image Courtesy: www.todaysparent.com)

With Valentine’s Day upon us, I always hear a lot of discussions on attachments — those who’re unattached often complain about it, those who’re attached, ditto.  But what neither realizes is that, our attachments rely upon our “attachment styles”.  So what exactly are attachment styles?  In early childhood, we tend to develop one of three attachment styles that forever determine how we become attached and how we handle feelings, resulting in marked consequences on all our relationships. If mismatched, their distinctly different behavioral systems can wreak havoc in relationships, becoming the root of many serious problems. Thus, understanding your own style and that of your partner’s could very well save your relationship.

1. Secure (approximately 55% of people)

Children who are well nurtured and feel their caretakers empathize with them become secure in their attachments – neither overly clingy nor distant.

Secure types are comfortable with emotions but not preoccupied by them. They are thus able to easily get close to others and feel comfortable depending upon them. In romantic relationships, they expect their partner to be emotionally available and attuned, express concern, care, affection and good intentions, and be reliable, just as they themselves are. Their relationships tend to be trusting, intimate and easygoing, with relatively few conflicts or crises. When troubles arise, they’re able to handle conflict without apprehension, resentment or distress and don’t automatically assume the worst for their relationship. And once they do have a chance to work through their issues, they’re easily able to turn their attention to other things, disallowing the bad mood to linger.

2. Anxious/Insecure (approximately 20% of people)

Children whose parents are ambivalent, unpredictably flipping from rage to tenderness, become anxious and insecure.

Anxious types are preoccupied with their feelings, since they seem to keep bubbling up uncontrollably, and therefore always need to talk over their worries – everything from their partner not really loving them to partner not wanting to stay with them, since they don’t consider themselves worthy. Inadvertently, it’s that very constant need for reassurance and apprehensive clingy nature that may well drive their partner away. And if that won’t get them, their predisposition to “love addiction” will – obsessive preoccupation, self-conscious anxiety and emotional dependence. Beyond that, without any rhyme or reason, anxious types are often angst-ridden and hyper-vigilant because of jealous feelings around imagineddalliances. When distressed, they must turn to others. Their brain simply can’t shut off their propensity to worry, hard as they may try to switch channels.

3. Avoidant (approximately 25% of people)

Children whose parents neglect their feelings and who feel ignored in general become avoidant, as though they have given up hope of achieving a caring connection.

Avoidant types find intense emotions unfamiliar, unpleasant and uncomfortable, so they try to minimize them. They have a hard time trusting their partner or sharing feelings with them and get nervous when their partner tries to get more emotionally intimate. They suppress their own emotions, stifle their distressing feelings and are quite rigid about it, causing a lot of relationship static. When distressed, they remain stridently independent, preferring to manage their upsets on their own, unable to turn to their partner. Their emotional brakes simply won’t allow them to open up. Their nonstop suppression explains why they tend to be emotionally distant and uninvolved in life – when a relationship ends or someone dies, they do little grieving and feel emotionally unengaged during social interactions. They miss out on the joys of relationships since they’ve bartered away a fuller emotional connection for protective disconnection. Their detachment makes them prefer one-night-stands with several sexual partners versus experiencing the joys of intimacy that’s built with one partner. And they may not even realize what they’re missing, since they’ve convinced themselves that they don’t need it, without knowing what “it” is. Should they end up in a relationship nonetheless, they tend to oscillate between distance and compulsion. If they break up or divorce, they’ll oddly try to return to the same partner.

For relational compatibility, we need attachment style compatibility. For example, couples who share a high need for love and a low need for power will tend to be happier together versus couples who share a high need for power and a low need for love, no matter how compatible they might appear in all other parts of life. This is why a seemingly well-matched, financially secure couple can still end up being very unhappy, whereas a financially struggling, superficially mismatched couple can stay happy forever.

Image Source: http://calitreview.com

New year is a time of resolutions, a time when we lay out our loftiest plans and expectations and promise to make them happen. But what starts off with a bang, more often than not dies off with a whimper – one that we hope no one will hear, since it’ll testify to our less than perfect nature. And it’s that fear which makes us backslide to our old ways, instead of trying again with the help and encouragement of family and friends. If we could only embrace our human nature, and disallow the ideal of perfectionism to hinder us, we could forge ahead without shame, doing the best we can!
Perfect ideals can only be maintained in a vacuum. In real life, where context, circumstances, others’ needs, pressures, and lack of resources challenge us, it’s impossible for one to do that. Hence, when I coach people to set goals, I insist that they be SMART goals, as in:
S Simple
M Measurable
A Attainable
R Realistic
T Time-focused.
SMART goals need to be bite-sized, so they’re easier to pursue and measure. So it’s best to set weekly goals and evaluate them as you go along – success creates incentive, lack of success an opportunity to reassess/learn/remove obstacles before they become too big. Weekly evaluations can also create opportunities for weekly celebrations, to keep the incentive going.
To show you how SMART goals can work in well-defined ways, here’s a relationship example: Instead of a vague notion of wanting to improve your relationship with your spouse, commit to the following 10 relationship resolutions that meet the SMART criteria – simple, measurable, attainable, realistic and have a time line to work with.
Top Ten Resolutions For Taking Your Relationship To New Heights
1. Spend time together, alone. It doesn’t matter how many kids you have and what needs your attention, make sure you carve out some time to have fun together – both in and out of the bedroom. Yes, that means reinstating date night and scheduling sex in.
2. Help each other out. Since we’re all over-worked, ‘who does what’ at home can become a source of conflict. But if you bend the rules every now and again, to help out your partner when they need it the most, you’d be amazed at the good karma you’ll build up.
3. Mind your manners. Please, thank you, and sorry, aren’t just nice, they’re necessary. Treat your partner as respectfully as you would your boss, and you’ll stop feeling like you’re being taken for granted, plus every time you hear yourself say thank you, you’ll be reminded of all the nice things your partner does for you.
4. Stop aiming for perfection. Stop pressuring yourself to make everything perfect – you’ll suddenly notice how much calmer and energized you feel, with enough energy left over to hang out, fool around, do something you really enjoy.
5. Get a couple’s hobby. It’s really important that you, as a couple, have a common interest, in addition to your children and your household. So find whatever it is that you could enjoy doing together – hobby, sports, exercise, cultural events, a class, whatever – and go to it.
6. Improve your communication skills. I’m not talking about talking for the sake of getting things off your chest – I’m talking about communicating to connect. So guys, no nitpicking, and gals, no nagging. Hear yourself through your partner’s ears, before saying it out loud so they actually hear it.
7. Get back your mojo. Most relationships start to go cold between the sheets, if they don’t crank up the heat. So set new sex goals for 2011 (as in having sex at least once a week) and then go for a tune-up, so you can look forward to it – pick up a few new tricks, add a few new things to experiment with, and so on. Of course you can’t even BEGIN to go there without connecting with each others needs first – physical and emotional.
8. Turn off the electronics. If you turn off the TV, computer, blackberry, iPhone, twitter, Wii, and whatever else occupies and/or distracts you, for one hour each night, you’d be amazed at how you’ll end up turning to each other for excitement, when you have nothing else to do.
9. Crank up the affection. Adore each other, hold hands, kiss for no reason, hug, look into each others eyes when you talk, be emotionally generous, and focus on what’s best for each other – you’d be amazed at how these new love gestures will bring the new love feeling back to you.
10. Make each other feel special. To make your partner feel special, do something special for them, just because. And be nice to each other, always. It’s not about who does what, more about what’s best for the relationship.
Now that’s what I call resolutions worth keeping, in 2011! You’ll be amazed at the marked improvement in your relationship – both with respect to intimacy as well as that awesome connection we all crave!

DECEMBER 2010

To Thine Own Self Be True

One of the toughest jobs of being a therapist is, being a witness to other people’s suffering, especially since a lot of it is for naught. There are two types of suffering. The first one is what results from experiencing a loss or trauma that’s out of one’s control. The second one is the kind that one imposes upon themselves, by believing their stressful thoughts, even though 98% of what they fear will never come true. Sadly, I don’t have a magic wand to dissipate the former, but I can help you challenge the latter, so you can live life more fully. For starters, I want you to ask yourself the following three questions, with respect to every disturbing thought:

1. Is what I’m thinking really true? Ask yourself if you have solid proof backing up your thought – a definitive reason for you to believe it, without a shadow of a doubt.

2. What happens when I believe that thought? Think about how that thought makes you feel and your response to it.

3. Who would I be without that thought? Contemplate how your situation could turn around, if you were released from that thought.

The idea is to address your unhappiness at the source. When you understand what’s making you unhappy – possibly for no good reason – and you can visualize how letting go of that thought could end your suffering, you’ll be better able to break free from the hell you’ve created for yourself. Think about it: If your worry is for naught, you can finally let go of it, but if it’s truly justified, you can take the necessary steps to address it – either way, you’ll become unstuck.

Let’s apply this to relationships. Instead of stressing over, “Am I good enough?”, “Am I important enough?”, “Does he really care for me?”, “If she truly loved me, wouldn’t she do this … or not do that?” you can look within yourself and obtain the answers you need. When you gauge your self-worth based on others’ opinions, approval and validation, sooner or later you’ll end up being disappointed. However, if you look at a situation realistically and rely on self-love, you’ll have the power to control your life! And when I say “self-love”, I don’t mean memorizing mantras from self-help books, or doing self-affirmation exercises in front of the mirror, I’m talking about concentrating on what loving someone means – respect, admiration, generosity, acceptance, forgiveness, etc – and then doing that for yourself, even when you feel discouraged or disappointed.

Bottom line, stop believing the stories you create in your head – the ones that lead to your suffering – and start being realistic with yourself. The power to turn things around is in your hands!

NOVEMBER 2010

(Photo: Vue Photography)

What makes love last a lifetime?

Most people agree that if you have love, affection, communication and respect, your relationship is bound to do great. But while those ingredients are quite important, they’re not enough, since a great marriage is not just about what you HAVE, it’s also about what you DO to make it stronger, safer, and more caring and committed. Think of marriage as your safe haven from outside storms – naturally, you want it built upon a strong, lasting foundation. Herewith, seven steps to see to just that:

7 Steps To Making Your Forever Fantastic

1. Shared Dreams: It’s easy to get caught up in the mundane minutia of marriage – what’s for dinner, who’s going to pick up the kids from school, were the utility bills taken care of, etc, etc. But you need to look and plan beyond that, as in common dreams and shared visions – buying a house, planning a vacation, or something else that you can both look forward to, something that fires you up as a couple. When happy couples talk about themselves, as an “us” unit, everything from how they met, to bits and pieces of their life together, sounds like a fairytale, despite the challenges they’ve faced, not unlike any other couple. So if you can continually remind yourselves of why you fell in love, the shared values that tie you together, and the goals you’re working toward, you’ll be a lot more likely to make your dreams come true, while you grow as a couple.

2. Ignite and Reignite Your Sexual Connection: In any good marriage, sex is a lot more than a mere physical act. It’s something that just the two of you share, so it places your relationship in a completely different place from all others. Furthermore, intimacy is crucial for the health of your emotional connection – something that makes you both feel warm and loved, not to mention, draw you back together when you’re drifting apart – and of course it’s a whole lot of fun! That said, while striking up those initial sparks is easy, tending to them so you have a strong, steady flame, is infinitely harder, especially when you’re dealing with kids, bills, jobs, and debt, among other things. Ironically, it is then that you need to protect your sex life all the more, making it a priority. So create allure and desire for each other, versus letting the same ol’ same ol’ carry you through on auto-pilot. Just as no one can find the same dish interesting day in and day out – it’s gotta get pretty boring after a while – make an effort to build your sexual appetite with new and exciting things. As the years go by, if you continue to make a sexual effort, you’ll end up having a sex life that transcends your marriage’s lack of newness, the stresses of family and work, and the physical changes that come with aging.

3. Choose Each Other As Your First Family: For years, we’re a member of our primary family – the one we grew up in – then we get married and create our own family, one in which the husband and wife are the A-team. While extremely necessary, it can be tough to shift your identity like this, even though it’s an important part of building your life as a couple, and eventually a family. So no more complaining to your mother about your spouse, no more taking your parents’ side, when they’re being disrespectful to either your partner or your relationship. Whatever your challenges — such as an overbearing parent — you have to outline the boundaries between you and all of the families connected to you. Not only will you feel stronger as a unit, but when you stick to your shared rules, all that family baggage will weigh less heavily upon you.

4. Learn How To Fight Right: Fighting is one of the biggest problems that every couple has to deal with, since fights will always come up; so every couple needs to learn how to fight without tearing each other apart. Fighting right doesn’t just mean not throwing things at each other, or stopping threats about leaving; it means staying focused on the issue at hand and respecting each other’s perspective. Couples who fight right also find ways to defuse the tension, sometimes using humor, other times using other repair attempts. even if you fight a lot, when you can find a way to turn fights around — with a smile, a quick apology, an expression of appreciation for the other person — the storm blows away rather fast, and that’s what matters.

5. Find A Balance Between Time For Two And Time For You: When it comes to togetherness, every couple has its own comfort zone – some are never apart, others would kill each other if they had to see one another more than just the weekends. The bottom line – coming up with a formula together, where neither partner feels slighted or smothered, making sure that you have some non-shared experiences to fire you up and give you something to talk about, and enough together time to feel that your connection is a strong tie, rather than a loose thread. FYI, since your togetherness needs will change over time, you’ll have to shift your balance accordingly – for example, when kids enter the picture, you still need couple time, for just the two of you.

6. Build A Best Friendship: Think about the things that make your closest friendships irreplaceable: the trust that comes with true intimacy, the willingness to be vulnerable, and the confidence that the friendship can withstand conflict. Don’t those sound like good things to have in your marriage, too? Happy couples share all of that and they can count on each other, no matter what. When you respect and value each other, enjoy your shared history and inside jokes, make eye contact when you talk, go out of your way to show mutual admiration, and enjoy companionable silence, where you can commune without speaking, you’ve reached that blissful state of contentment.

7. Face A Major Challenge Together: You’re sailing along through life, and suddenly you hit a huge bump – unemployment, a serious illness, loss of home or assets, a death in the family – how do you cope? You never know how strong your relationship is until it’s tested – all too often, the stress of a crisis can pull a couple apart. But the good news is, when you do make it through in one piece, you might just find yourselves tighter than ever!

Marriage is no picnic – it takes work, but the reward is the edifice you build together, that’ll shelter you through thick and thin, bringing you loads of joy along the way. Certainly worth the effort in my books!

OCTOBER 2010

Crackberry Addiction – What it Means to Your Relationship

While modern technology has been an asset in so many wonderful ways, can’t say it’s helped relationships all that much – hence the term ‘CrackBerry Addicts’, describing those who’ve become so hooked on their PDAs, that they’ve ended up with never ending workweeks and constant interruptions impacting personal relationships. Even when they do somehow manage to squeeze in a romantic dinner and maybe a meaningful conversation, their technological umbilical cord to the office starts buzzing away and the mood’s lost. Small wonder, surveys have shown that we’re not using these devices to reign in our work hours; we’re adopting technology to help us work harder, faster and longer – increasing our stress by opening up around-the-clock access to and from the workplace. According to various therapists and psychologists, such access often results in fatigue, resentment, a lack of intimacy, increased conflict and even premature career burnout – all of which are enough to crater a less-than-solid marriage or relationship. Two ways that couples can work around their crackberry addiction is by agreeing to:

1. No “Crack” in the Bedroom.

2. Designated Hours for Couple time – e.g. 8 to 10:30 p.m.

This will also help create down time – something we lack when hooked to our PDAs, as many studies have shown. How so? The average work week is 38 hours, which equates to 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. That’s a LOT of time, but it’s okay as long as you get the weekend off. Now throw a Blackberry into the equation and you’ll find that instead of working 38 hours, you’ll be working around the clock, regardless of what time and day it is. Your spouse will definitely not appreciate it, though they might live with it – however unhappily – so you can get that promotion / raise you’ve been working so hard for. Over time, you’ll feel that you communicate less and less with each other – and even when you do, it generally ends up being about work. Work, work, work, that’s all Crackberry addicts end up thinking about, even during weekends and vacations – they can’t seem to relax and need to feel connected to their job and e-mail, lest the world collapse while they’re gone.

Should this describe you, here’s the bottom line – the only thing that’s likely to collapse is your relationship; the digital images and messages will carry on with or without you. So if you’re feeling disconnected, take charge, disconnect your devises, and connect to your partner instead.