This monthly column is by Rebecca Rosenblat who is a renowned Canada based Relationship & Sexuality Therapist-cum-TV Host & can be contacted at rebecca@thesipoflife.com

KEEPING LOVE ALIVE!

When we fall in love, we get high on feel good hormones and expect the feeling to last a lifetime – hence we commit to each other until death do us part.  But if we don’t continue to nourish those feelings as we did in the beginning, our relationship can seriously suffer.  Herewith, “ten commandments” to help love flourish, so it gets better and better with time.

1.   Always look for the positive in your partner.  What we look for is what we’ll find – better to look for the good in someone and find it, versus look for the bad and find that!

2.   Mutual adoration and attentiveness bring out the best in us – it’s great to know that in a world where you don’t mean much to anybody, you mean the world to somebody.

3.   Two-thirds of our problems will never be resolved.  It’s not the problems that destroy relationships, rather how we respond to them – the worst culprits are criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling.

4.   Never let the sun go down without resolving your anger, or doing a daily mental check-up. Put yourself in your lover’s shoes and see how you would feel receiving what you gave to them – good or bad – each day.

5.   Once is an error, twice carelessness, more than that a habit. If you’re doing something which your partner has serious, justifiable objections to, nip it before it becomes a habit.

6.   If a situation calls for a compromise and you’re willing to make it, do it sooner than later – it’ll count for a lot more, and you’ll never risk hitting the too-little-too-late stage.

7.  Always keep the passion alive, making it a priority like you did when love was new.  Intimacy is a strong pillar that holds a marriage together, amongst other pillars – never underestimate it’s importance!

8.  When you talk with your partner, really listen. They need to know that of all the billions of people out there, you’re the one who’s most interested in what they have to say. Sometimes, it’s just a matter of validation, others times you might be able to help – but only if they ask.

9.  Make sure your relational checks and balances are squared away, as far as giving and expectations are concerned. No one should have to carry the entire load by themselves.

10.   How we behave toward each other often has more to do with how we were raised than how we feel about our partner.  Good relationships need constant work and negotiations – not unlike great jobs, kids, hobbies.

Bottom line, attend to each other like you once did, respect each other like you would your best friend, protect your partner’s feelings like you would your own, be as patient with each other as you would your children, and you’ll build something that’ll only get better and better with time!

GENDER DIFFERENCES

Week after week, couples sit on my “analyst’s couch” and share all the ways they’re being mistreated by their partner. And what’s interesting is that regardless of their background, socio-economic status, age or religiosity, most men sound alike, just as most women do. In other words, racial, religious, educational, and fiscal differences pale in comparison to gender differences, that are a part of our Devine design, for many wonderful reasons – none of which have to do with irritating each other, as many seem to believe. In any case, herewith the list of top ten gender differences that play out in the battle of the sexes, where neither party can win, since they need to fraternize with each other, and should thus be on the same team anyway.

1. Why We Communicate: Women believe in rapport talk, men in report talk – i.e. women talk to connect, men to convey information. I can’t tell you how many couples I’ve seen, where she claims that he just sits there and doesn’t care to talk with her, while he says, “I have nothing to say – what do you want me to say!” If he has nothing to add, he truly has nothing to say.

2. How We Communicate: Women use twice as many words as men in a given day, since they like to talk through things, often in a round about way, because they hate confrontation or putting anyone on the spot. But men have half the attention span, so they often get confused by anything other than straight talk and miss subtle requests – again, a huge source of conflict.

3. What We Communicate About: Being action oriented, guys like to talk about sports, how things work, performance, ability, fixing things, and how to reach desired goals. Being people centered, women love to talk about people, relationships, philosophy, and finding ways of being more supportive. I’ve had many furious women share that their partner has a bigger reaction to sporting events than sick relatives or divorcing friends, which is projected to imply that he doesn’t care. As I mentioned before, guys will talk only when they have something to say about a given situation – yes, armchair coaching counts.

4. How Directly We Communicate: When a woman says, “Would you like to do such and such” what she means is “Let’s do such and such”; men equate the former to someone asking their opinion and the latter to a direct instruction – another major source of misunderstanding. Sound familiar?

5. How We Handle Our Problems: When women have a problem, they feel better just talking about it and giving each other support. Menrarely feel better talking about their problems and prefer to be left alone to find a solution, or deal with a disappointment on their own – if they’re at a low point, they don’t want witnesses. So if he pulls away or is in a bad mood, it’s his problem, not yours – and trust me, he doesn’t want you to make it yours, despite your best of intentions.

6. What Drives Us: Men are goal oriented, women process oriented; so while a guy wants to find the fastest way to achieve his goal, a woman stops to make sure that everyone is okay with what’s going on. This frustrates women in the bedroom, men in the boardroom.

7. How We Express Love: Women show love by saying the right words, men by doing things for someone they love. If you want to please your partner, the golden rule definitely doesn’t apply. She needs to hear how much he loves and adores her – “I picked you”, or “I’m here, aren’t I” don’t count. On the other hand, her talking the talk but not walking the walk makes him wonder if she truly cares for him. The only exception to the rule: He needs to be praised every bit as much as she does.

8. How We Focus: The female brain has a lot more connections across the two hemispheres, and their neurons have a significantly farther reach – this allows them to multi-task. Men’s brains are designed for sharper focus on one thing at a time. This is why if men have to attend to something, their brain needs to shut off to everything else. He truly can’t hear you when he’s watching TV, reading, or attending to something after a fight – he isn’t ignoring you and hasn’t stopped caring about the relationship, he’s just not able to attend to ten things at once. FYI, this extends into relaxation time as well – one thing versus many things. When men are relaxing, 70% of their brain shuts off, when women are relaxing, over 90% of their brain stays on.

9. How We Feel About Getting Help: When either party is stuck in a jam, whereas women shouldn’t offer help, since men need to feel they can be trusted to take care of it on their own, men should always offer help – except when she’s just venting – so she can feel cared for. But if he fails to offer, she shouldn’t assume the worst – he’s just showing her that he thinks she can handle it on her own. If she needs his help, she needs to ask him directly, as in “Would you ….” not “Can you ….” – of course he wants you to think he can, but that still doesn’t mean he’ll butt in without being asked. If that was in his nature, he would’ve already done so.

10. How We Handle Our Mistakes: When either party makes a mistake, women tend to apologize way too much, men hardly at all. The right balance is once for each mistake, to be accepted without qualifiers, so you can move on. A misunderstood female will repeat herself (following him from room to room, if need be) until she’s made her point; this makes a guy furious and his anger ends up further upsetting them both; at which point, each generally brings out their weapons – women tears, men insults.

Hope this helps you make love, not war, on your marital turf!

TEN “COMMANDMENTS” FOR WINNING WITH YOUR CHILDREN

No job is more challenging than parenthood! Yet, there are no magic rules or recipes. Lessons in parenting can range anywhere from strict upbringing to letting the kids run the show, sans criticism; so much so that it often feels as if kids have all the rights and none of the responsibilities, while parents have all the responsibilities and none of the rights. But bleak as the situation might feel to some, there are ways of enjoying parenting the way it was meant to be, raising healthy, happy, responsible kids, in our rapidly changing world. Herewith, top ten guidelines – I call them my “commandments” for winning with kids.

1. I’m sure you’ve heard the statement, “Whether you think you can or you can’t, you’re right,” since what we expect determines the outcome. Nowhere is this statement truer than with kids. Research shows that students did remarkably better when their teacher was told that they were smart and thus had higher expectations for them, versus when the teacher believed they were just average. When we believe in our kids and encourage them to do well, they want to make sure that they don’t let us down. But when we give up on them, they usually give up on themselves. Contrary to popular belief, parental approval still ranks significantly higher than peer acceptance. Furthermore, it’s been documented that parental influence plays a major role with teens when it comes to drugs, sex, delinquent behavior, and religious attitudes. You’re more powerful than you think – use your power wisely!

2. The human species thrives on attention. An infant who is not loved, touched, or caressed, will often die of a strange disease called marasmus, where they simply whither away. This innate need follows us for the rest of our lives, in one form or another. With kids, if they’re not getting positive attention, they’ll be driven to ensure negative attention, just so they know that they have an effect on us. That said, since it’s human tendency to have a bigger reaction when something goes wrong versus when everything’s working out smoothly, if we’re not careful, we could very well be setting up our kids for acting out. So don’t just get upset when they mess up, take the time to praise them when they get it right – you’ll build their self esteem, while encouraging the good behavior to repeat itself. And if you’re someone who believes in balancing out praise with humility, make it clear that humility means thinking of yourself less, not thinking less of yourself!

3. While it’s important for parents to cheer their kids on, it must always be done in a context where they own their successes and failures. “You must be so proud,” and “You must be so bummed,” create internal reinforcers, making the child responsible for their actions, whereas “I’m so proud,” and “I’m so disappointed” create external reinforcers, putting the onus on the parent. In the former case, the child takes pride or shame in their behavior and does the responsible thing on their own; in the latter, the child becomes conditioned to work for rewards and feels the parent owes them one – for doing good or rectifying bad. They never quite make the connection that it’s about their own well-being. This can put them at a risk for becoming underachievers, casting the blame for their failures on others. A good report card deserves, “You must be so proud – how shall we celebrate?” versus a hundred dollar bill. A bad one, “You must be so upset – how are you going to make sure that it doesn’t happen again?” versus “You’re grounded.” When we screw up at our job, we don’t get grounded, we’d better fix it or we’re fired!

4. For a child to manage life’s challenges, they must learn to make their own decisions and be responsible for them. When parents make their kids’ decisions for them, bail them out of trouble, fight their battles, and make excuses for them, they kill any opportunity for growth. Even when kids fail, if we allow them to learn from their mistakes, they’ll stop fearing failure and get further ahead in life, gaining self confidence along the way – better to try and fail than fail to try! Studies show that parents who try to ensure their kids successes on their own, often raise unsuccessful kids, ‘cause they never learn responsibility.

5. A) At times, no matter what we do, we’ll end up locking horns with our child, in a serious power struggle. Kids love to test out who’s in charge, going head to head in confrontations. If you don’t establish that you’re in charge, the child willtake over and stop respecting you. Too many families plan their lives around their children and then end up resenting it sooner or later. But when we take care of ourselves, value each other, and set limits that help our kids, we build their self esteem, not to mention prime them for healthy relationships in the future. Without limits, kids will screw up and diminish their self esteem. Research shows that such kids often forget to do homework, argue with teachers and parents, bully others, withdraw into themselves and indulge in self-destructive behaviors when things go wrong and they feel bad about themselves … right into adulthood. Best approach: Set reasonable limits, but then let them make their own decisions within them.

5. B) Close cousins with limits are boundaries. While limits establish the range within which a child can safely operate, boundaries teach kids where they end and others begin, and how even what fits their limits still needs to take others into consideration. When a child comes into this world, they feel the world revolves around them – indeed, for the first little while it seems so. But very early on, a child must learn that it’s not always about them. Setting boundaries is one of the most critical ways we teach kids to respect others, so they may co-exist in a world with rules and consequences – an “all about me” world can become a very lonely place. But the boundaries need to be consistent, especially when kids try to test them out – and test them they will! When we persevere and follow through on our promises, we make our children feel safe, since they realize that we’ll rescue them from themselves if things get out of hand.

6. Speaking of taking charge and setting boundaries, even through the best of circumstances children will try to break rules every now and again, to gain control and do their own thing. At this stage, many parents shy away from discipline since they’re afraid of the child’s reaction, or because they want the child to fully express themselves, without worrying about any negative consequences. Their idea of building self-esteem entails eliminating self-restraint. Real life doesn’t work like that. If you don’t discipline, the bad behavior won’t suddenly go away – it will generally worsen with time. That said, it’s important to recognize that there’s a difference between discipline and punishment – the former is directed against bad behavior, the latter against the individual. Punishing a child by taking something away from them will only make them resent you, without thinking about what they’ve done. Discipline, on the other hand, ties in their behavior to consequences, teaching them important lessons. It also establishes parental authority – a cornerstone of good parenting. Sadly, many view authority as a sign of control and think of it as a bad thing. But without parental leadership, moral guidance and sense of purpose, a child will have a hard time making healthy decisions that will lead to a fulfilling, purpose-driven life. As such, authority is not a bad thing, provided it’s demonstrated in a way that reaches the child’s heart, not just their bad behavior. When my son was very young, he was puzzled by the fact that once we’re forgiven, why don’t the consequences just go away. Using the proverbial “hot stove” analogy, I explained to him that if he were to put his hand on a burning stove despite me insisting that he not, his hand will burn, the damage felt long after I forgive him for not listening to me, even as I feel his pain and cater to his wound.

7. Nobody likes fighting. The best way to prevent it and bypass a power struggle is by offering the child choices, so they take responsibility for their actions, with no one to blame but themselves when things don’t turn out their way. Threatening, counting to five, demanding that the child come down for dinner immediately, will only make them resent you. Offering them a choice between coming down to eat right away or going to bed hungry, will put them in charge of the decision and the consequence. But never give an ultimatum or a choice that you’re not willing to carry through – it’s the worst possible thing you can do. Once they go to bed hungry, they’ll learn their lesson. Remain calm as they do – don’t let your feelings run the show. Examples of ways of putting them in the driver’s seat include: “I’ll be glad to speak with you about this when you’re willing to do it in a calm way,” “I’ll drive you to your friend’s house as soon as the dishes are done,” “I’d love for you to join us and watch some TV when you’ve completed your homework,” etc. If the kid screws up, they can’t be mad at you, since they made the choice that stood in their way. As well, they’ll grow up to be adults who don’t point fingers at others when things go wrong.

8. As parents, we like to shower our kids with what might give us pleasure – e.g. material goods – even though they don’t think like us. But nothing kills appreciation faster than eliminating the “yearning and earning” stage. Furthermore, these kids develop a sense of entitlement that forever makes them miserable, when the rest of the world doesn’t revolve around them. They hate to work for anything. You can recognize them by their incessant complaining that life isn’t fair and that everyone else is to blame for their unhappiness. When we let our child build a desire, dream about it, then work at it and wait for it to be fulfilled, with a spirit of gratitude, we teach them the value of earning versus expecting.

9. In a culture with a huge emphasis on the self and self-esteem, we run the risk of raising a “me” generation that defies the above principles. While a healthy amount of self-esteem is important, too much of it can create narcissistic, arrogant individuals, who think too highly of themselves, and demonstrate a tendency toward violent and dangerous behaviors. Furthermore, high-esteem people blame others for everything – they’re too terrific for any failure to be their fault – and lash out against the source of any criticism; they simply can’t handle it. Thus, they never experience the remorse that results from acknowledging wrongdoing – a crucial prerequisite to developing a conscience. So they continue to do unacceptable things without worrying about the consequences and their impact on others, while their parents search for diagnostic labels so they can outsource their repair. But until kids experience the very feelings that nurture a conscience, any repair attempts are but a partial cure, if at all. The best thing we can do for our kids is to allow them to feel their wrongs and the effect they have on others, so they may respond in humane ways.

10. Finally, kids learn by modeling. They watch us constantly and learn not only how to handle things, but what’s trulyimportant versus what we say is important. A parent who drinks and brags about what they did when they were teens can’t expect their child to take them too seriously when they discourage them from drinking. Ditto for laziness, lying, cheating, swearing, anti-social behavior, meanness, rudeness, conning, selfishness, etc. But those who live with integrity, invest into charity, uphold good principles, will raise kids like themselves, making for peaceful, happy, healthy homes, with loads of mutual respect, joy and stability!

Bottom line, you have more power than you think, they love you and want your respect more than you ever realized – don’t let that attitude fool you – and it’s never too late to reach out and try to get it right. There are more happy families than dysfunctional ones, great kids turn into great adults every day, and even the most difficult of families can produce amazing offspring – nature and nurture work in tandem to shape us into who we want to become. Just tell ‘em you love ‘em, be firm yet empathetic, and set boundaries but let them make their own decisions within them – if it’s not dangerous, even a wrong decision can be an important learning experience, since we learn more from our failures than our successes. Beyond that, don’t sweat the small stuff – they’re no crazier about our clothing than we are about theirs – save your voice of reason for when it really matters and respect their individuality when it doesn’t. You’ll be amazed by the exciting journey you have ahead of you once you get comfortable spending fun time together, sharing more than an address. And when things go wrong every now and then, take them in stride, be responsive not reactive, and persevere with the “commandments”. Bon voyage!

In May we had Dr. Clarence McMullen for Canadian Cafe. He has a Ph. D. and has written and edited several books on Sikhism and Inter-faith issues (he’s a published author). He has been in the field of education all his life and retired in 2000. He was a professor in India and is currently a professor in Toronto, teaching once a week at Tyndale University College.

There is a difference between living and existing. Existence is a biological process; living is putting

Dr. Clarence McMullen

meaning and purpose into existence. There are various ways of putting meaning into ones existence. Work, relationships, enjoyment, play, spirituality are some of these ways.

It depends on how we approach these activities. One can work just to exist or find deep meaning in it.

This story illustrates the point: Three masons were working on stones to build a cathedral. A passerby asked the first mason, ‘what are you doing? The answer was ‘I am breaking stones’. The second man was asked the same question. His reply was, ‘I am earning money to feed my family’. The third man’s answer was, ‘I am working to build a beautiful cathedral’. A mundane job like breaking stones can be meaningful with the right attitude and by looking at it on a broader perspective.

The thing to remember, however, is that we need to step outside the rat race every once in awhile and look at life as a spectator, as an outsider. Not as the actor but as the audience. By doing this we can objectively assess, not only the role we are playing in the theatre of life, but also get a deeper and broader understanding of life.

THE IMPORTANCE OF FAITH

One of my favorite things to do is driving my son Joshua to the train station, as he heads off to university. In our otherwise hectic lives, we actually get to spend some quality time together, sans our busy schedules, laptops, or blackberries. Two topics dominate our conversations – science and spirituality.

For anyone who’s ever spent any time in either science or academia, they know all too well that sooner or later the great debate is presented to them – creation versus evolution, or science versus religion, depending upon the focus. For Joshua and I, that’s always a tough moment – while most people seem to believe in one or the other, we believe in both.

Being the head of Campus for Christ, at the University of Toronto, Joshua has thus tried to host many a conferences on the subject matter, inviting world leaders to debate both stances. Regardless, people rarely change their mind on such matters, since it’s more an emotional issue than a logical one. So rather than present a strong argument for God’s existence and how its order gives science its methodic edge, I’ll share an emotional story with you, from an atheist friend, no less.

A while back, as I faced life-threatening surgery, I had scores of friends praying for me. Letter after letter, people from different faiths offered words of encouragement, convinced that God was going to see me through it. But the letter that impressed most heavily upon me was one which came from my atheist friend, Michael. This is how it went:

Dear Rebecca,

You know that I’ve always been an atheist, and quite proud of it. But tonight, on the eve of this major ordeal that lies ahead of you, how I wish I had faith in something – a higher power who I could turn over my worries to, feeling confidence in the hands that I was placing you into. Instead, I’m pacing and drinking, feeling more helpless than you could possibly imagine. I’m neither a doctor, nor a believer, so you tell me, how do I handle this? While others are united by your bedside, praying, keeping a vigil, fasting, I’m here all alone, with nothing to comfort me. The best I can do is wish that your God is real, and a miracle will happen that’ll see to it that I never have to go through such dark hours, ever again.

All my love!

Michael

Now you tell me, is that the faith of a believer, an atheist, or an ordinary human being, acknowledging the need we all have for God and faith – which is believing without proof, versus science, which is defined by proof. As for Joshua and I, proof or not, we believe in enjoying all of God’s creation, right down to every last consequence of human action, even when it yields tragic results, for therein lies the order He’s created, an order both humans and science can count on!

THE REAL ROMANCE

Romance is defined as the suppression of mundane realities, to create a magical oasis. February 14th, St. Valentine’s Day, considered to be the most romantic day of the year, is known for just that – marked with chocolate hearts, flowers and sentimental notes. While I’m all for those gestures, allow me to share what real romance means to me, as I’ve witnessed it time and time again.

- It’s a man shaving his head, to show his wife that bald is beautiful, as she loses her hair to chemotherapy.
- It’s an elderly woman, who can barely hold herself up straight, keeping vigil by her husband’s hospital bed.
- It’s a man making the hardest decision of his life, consenting to honor his wife’s organ donor card, since he wants her to live on in others, after she’s taken her last breath.
- It’s a woman watching her disfigured husband being catered to by a friendly young nurse, worrying that she’s trying to steal her handsome husband.
- It’s a child making a distorted heart-shaped cookie for his mother, who’s in tears, since Daddy forgot Valentine’s Day.
What I’m getting at is, a romance that has enough depth to take root in hard ground, waiting for love to blossom in it’s myriad ways; a love that’s described in 1st Corinthians, chapter 13, as patient, kind, gentle, selfless, humble, trusting – a love that hopes all things, believes all things, a love that never ends! So if you have that special someone, don’t lose sight of what’s important and become a statistic in our self-indulgent universe. Stand by each other, embrace each other through imperfections, encourage each other through betterment, and never ever take one another for granted, for therein lies the biggest key to romance and connection. My husband’s bought me exotic flowers and precious diamonds, shown me the world through romantic travels, bought me the finest homes and cars, but what I remember the most is, when he held my hand through the night, in intensive care, when the doctors didn’t think I’ll see the morning light – a face that makes me smile to this day, even through our worst moments.
Happy Valentine’s Day!

ON LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPS

With the globe feeling smaller than ever, more and more people are riding the emotional roller-coaster of long-distance relationships. Herewith, some tried and tested rules that’ll make for one heck of a ride, instead of making you sick!

Ten Commandments Of Negotiating Long-Distance Relationships

1. Stay in touch regularly. Try to connect with each other every day if you can – phone, skype, e-mail, msn, text, whatever – making sure that both parties make an equal effort, especially when time differences are involved.

2. When you do chat, make it short and light, like you would when you see each other in person at the end of the day, versus having intense conversations.

3. Have a weekly ritual, like a Friday night phone date – romantic, flirtatious, playful conversations, which can include what you miss about each other, what you plan to do next time you’re together, the payoffs behind what’s keeping you apart, how strong your bond must be for you to agree to this … and of course a little phone sex never hurt anybody.

4. If you need reassurance, let your partner know, versus letting something fester – but stick to “I need” versus “you don’t” statements.

5. Since words and tone account for a small percentage of face-to-face communication and 100% otherwise, don’t give them more weight than they deserve. You’d be amazed at what a little fatigue and frustration can do.

6. Recognize that the 4-6 week mark is always hard as far as frustrations go, so you may need to become “reacquainted” then. For those who can finagle visits every six weeks or so, taking turns, it’s well worth it. But if you can’t afford to do that, at least have some ritual planned once a month, like exchanging a small thoughtful gift, or a reaffirming, hand-written letter.

7. Always nail the next date you’ll be together as soon as possible, so you can look forward to it, not to mention break your time apart into little chunks.

8. Recognize that every relationship has problems – long-distance is no exception, so it’s important not to confuse relational issues with distance issues.

9. Remember that gender differences play out in long-distance communication more so than anywhere else. Men communicate primarily via actions, women by using words. When guys can’t do little things for women, not to mention express physical affection, they need to make up for it with words. But since it’s hard to teach an old dog new tricks, females need to make sure that they don’t misread sparse male communication as them not making an effort – they’re probably as bummed as you are, just not big into expressing it.

10. When you do get together and it’s time to part ways yet again, make sure your goodbyes are associated with a pleasant evening together, not a painful, weepy good-bye.

Beyond that, don’t let your imagination get the better of you, as far as suspicions go – just ‘cause they’re miles away doesn’t mean their personality will change (a cheater will cheat even if they park in your bed at night, a non-cheater will stick to their resolve, no matter where they are). So follow the rules and keep your emotions in check, instead of letting them run the show.