Canadian Cafe: Forgiveness

BY REBECCA ROSENBLAT

Rebecca Rosenblat has been with us ever since The Sip of Life was born 20 months back. An excellent writer Rebecca has been always a big support to us. 

She makes it sure that her content is there in our inbox well in time and asks for any changes if required. But there has never been any change so far, just because whatever Rebecca writes, is a treat for the heart. Her captivating pieces bring us closer to realities of life, which we often forget in our daily routine.

We hope to have her support in times to come as well, so that our new readers also get to have a taste of her writings, which are in-depth and leaving a lingering taste of little things which are big enough.

Here is what she has to write for us this month…

When someone hurts us, we’re expected to forgive and forget. But forgiveness puts the entire onus on the injured party, and forgetting is nearly impossible – neither of which does any justice to our emotions. Yet, even though we’ve all experienced that firsthand, when someone shares their pain with us, we suggest the unimaginable – perhaps since it lets us off the hook for seeing them through something that we don’t know how to handle ourselves. So allow me a chance to demystify the process, so we can come to terms with our hurts, instead of allowing them to derail us; because it isn’t forgiveness that helps us move forward, rather, letting go of our issues after dealing with them.

When someone hurts us deeply, we feel that we have only two options – to forgive, or choose not to. And all moral and health teachings tell us that we should embrace the former – unconditional forgiveness – whether we’ve dealt with the issues, or are being damaged by them. In reality, according to Janis Abrams Spring, author of How Can I Forgive You? The Courage To Forgive, The Freedom Not To, we have one of four responses:

1. Cheap forgiveness. This refers to a quick and easy pardon with no processing of emotions, or coming to terms with the injury. People indulge in this form of forgiveness due to one or more of the following reasons:

- because they’ve been taught that’s the only way

- because they’re insecure and afraid of confrontation, disapproval or abandonment

- because they’re in denial, since they simply can’t process the injury

- because they’re terrified of disrupting anything, or changing their life circumstances.

2. Refusal to forgive. This is another dangerous response, since it also keeps people from dealing with what went on – there’s no way of letting go of the anger, so they end up stewing in their own hostile juices. Those who find themselves in this category tend to:

- take things personally

- get offended easily

- harbor grudges for a long time

- are often consumed with retaliatory fantasies.

Bottom line, if you don’t process an injury and let go of it – through forgiveness or otherwise – it’ll fester and make your life a living hell, whether or not the other person is still a part of your life.

3. Acceptance. Acceptance is a responsible way of dealing with an interpersonal injury when the offender can’t or won’t engage in the healing process. It’s a form of self-care – a healing gift to oneself – and the only healthy way to move on in abusive situations that one can’t forgive. Once you process what happened, you can decide where to go from there. But it isa process, where you need to:

- honor the full sweep of your emotions

- give up your need for revenge but continue to seek a just resolution

- stop obsessing over the injury and re-engage with life

- protect yourself from further abuse

- free yourself from any perceived blame.

4. Genuine forgiveness. Genuine forgiveness is a hard transaction – an intimate dance between two people, bound together by an interpersonal violation, such as infidelity. The offender works hard to earn forgiveness through genuine and generous acts of repentance and restitution; and the hurt party works hard to let go of their resentment and need for retribution, while honestly assessing what they might’ve contributed to the situation. Just as love is more satisfying when it’s returned, forgiveness is more meaningful when both parties participate. But it takes a lot of dedication; which is why when a couple who’s been shattered by betrayal approaches me, I tell them that the only way therapy can work is if both parties are trulycommitted to saving the relationship at all costs, above all else – there can be no other agenda.

Bottom line, it isn’t forgiveness that sets us free; rather, the process of working through our hurt and choosing to let go of rumination, the need for revenge, and holding a grudge. Jack Kornfield, a renowned meditation teacher, put it eloquently: Forgiveness is a vow not to carry bitterness into the future, and a decision to give up hope for a better past. Interestingly, neither he nor Janis talk about forgetting, because it’s nearly impossible, especially when it involves an incident of great magnitude – people remember every excruciating detail of traumatic moments, with great intensity! This is what keeps things emotionally alive even when they happened a long time ago, since emotions are data summaries designed to help us remember, so we don’t repeat our mistakes. So the best we can do is come to terms with what happened, for our own sakes. And if we’re able to forgive at that moment, all the better. But forgiveness in no way implies excusing what happened to us, it’s merely a commitment to move forward despite it, for our own sakes; nor is forgiveness a magic button that allows us to put everything behind us, without working through it. It truly is a difficult process and a divine gift – hence many prayers request it. So we owe it to ourselves, to give and receive that gift – if only for our own sakes!

At Canadian Café, Rebecca Rosenblat guides how to handle relationships and not just maintain their term but also retain their essence. Rebecca Rosenblat, Psychotherapist, Relationship & Sexuality Therapist, and a TV Host in Canada writes for The Sip of Life every month. Rebecca can be contacted at rebecca@thesipoflife.com.