Week after week, couples sit on my “analyst’s couch” and share all the ways they’re being mistreated by their partner. And what’s interesting is that regardless of their background, socio-economic status, age or religiosity, most men sound alike, just as most women do. In other words, racial, religious, educational, and fiscal differences pale in comparison to gender differences, that are a part of our Devine design, for many wonderful reasons – none of which have to do with irritating each other, as many seem to believe. In any case, herewith the list of top ten gender differences that play out in the battle of the sexes, where neither party can win, since they need to fraternize with each other, and should thus be on the same team anyway.

1. Why We Communicate: Women believe in rapport talk, men in report talk – i.e. women talk to connect, men to convey information. I can’t tell you how many couples I’ve seen, where she claims that he just sits there and doesn’t care to talk with her, while he says, “I have nothing to say – what do you want me to say!” If he has nothing to add, he truly has nothing to say.

2. How We Communicate: Women use twice as many words as men in a given day, since they like to talk through things, often in a round about way, because they hate confrontation or putting anyone on the spot. But men have half the attention span, so they often get confused by anything other than straight talk and miss subtle requests – again, a huge source of conflict.

3. What We Communicate About: Being action oriented, guys like to talk about sports, how things work, performance, ability, fixing things, and how to reach desired goals. Being people centered, women love to talk about people, relationships, philosophy, and finding ways of being more supportive. I’ve had many furious women share that their partner has a bigger reaction to sporting events than sick relatives or divorcing friends, which is projected to imply that he doesn’t care. As I mentioned before, guys will talk only when they have something to say about a given situation – yes, armchair coaching counts.

4. How Directly We Communicate: When a woman says, “Would you like to do such and such” what she means is “Let’s do such and such”; men equate the former to someone asking their opinion and the latter to a direct instruction – another major source of misunderstanding. Sound familiar?

5. How We Handle Our Problems: When women have a problem, they feel better just talking about it and giving each other support. Menrarely feel better talking about their problems and prefer to be left alone to find a solution, or deal with a disappointment on their own – if they’re at a low point, they don’t want witnesses. So if he pulls away or is in a bad mood, it’s his problem, not yours – and trust me, he doesn’t want you to make it yours, despite your best of intentions.

6. What Drives Us: Men are goal oriented, women process oriented; so while a guy wants to find the fastest way to achieve his goal, a woman stops to make sure that everyone is okay with what’s going on. This frustrates women in the bedroom, men in the boardroom.

7. How We Express Love: Women show love by saying the right words, men by doing things for someone they love. If you want to please your partner, the golden rule definitely doesn’t apply. She needs to hear how much he loves and adores her – “I picked you”, or “I’m here, aren’t I” don’t count. On the other hand, her talking the talk but not walking the walk makes him wonder if she truly cares for him. The only exception to the rule: He needs to be praised every bit as much as she does.

8. How We Focus: The female brain has a lot more connections across the two hemispheres, and their neurons have a significantly farther reach – this allows them to multi-task. Men’s brains are designed for sharper focus on one thing at a time. This is why if men have to attend to something, their brain needs to shut off to everything else. He truly can’t hear you when he’s watching TV, reading, or attending to something after a fight – he isn’t ignoring you and hasn’t stopped caring about the relationship, he’s just not able to attend to ten things at once. FYI, this extends into relaxation time as well – one thing versus many things. When men are relaxing, 70% of their brain shuts off, when women are relaxing, over 90% of their brain stays on.

9. How We Feel About Getting Help: When either party is stuck in a jam, whereas women shouldn’t offer help, since men need to feel they can be trusted to take care of it on their own, men should always offer help – except when she’s just venting – so she can feel cared for. But if he fails to offer, she shouldn’t assume the worst – he’s just showing her that he thinks she can handle it on her own. If she needs his help, she needs to ask him directly, as in “Would you ….” not “Can you ….” – of course he wants you to think he can, but that still doesn’t mean he’ll butt in without being asked. If that was in his nature, he would’ve already done so.

10. How We Handle Our Mistakes: When either party makes a mistake, women tend to apologize way too much, men hardly at all. The right balance is once for each mistake, to be accepted without qualifiers, so you can move on. A misunderstood female will repeat herself (following him from room to room, if need be) until she’s made her point; this makes a guy furious and his anger ends up further upsetting them both; at which point, each generally brings out their weapons – women tears, men insults.

Hope this helps you make love, not war, on your marital turf!

Rebecca Rosenblat, Psychotherapist, Relationship & Sexuality Therapist, and a TV Host in Canada writes for The Sip of Life every month. Her writings can be viewed at http://thesipoflife.com/canadian-cafe/ and she can be contacted at rebecca@thesipoflife.com